I woke up today feeling blah. Just a few minutes into Monday morning and I already wanted the day to be over. I'm tired. I'm spent. I'm sick of cleaning up messes and feeling like the house is just getting dirtier. I don't want to organize the garage or scour the bathrooms- things I had on today's to-do list. I want to sit and hold my baby without nagging thoughts of what I should be doing. I should have exercised, I need to organize the mail, and the closets, I shouldn't have stayed up so late, I should have woken up early. I just don't have the energy for all of these shoulds and needs and wants.
I've been concentrating on my divine worth in my scripture study lately. I've been focusing on my identity as a daughter of God and trying to limit the outside voices that press on me all day long. I know I am enough. I know I have worth, right now, exactly as I am. I know that a clean garage doesn't make me any more worthy or noble. But last night I went into my study wanting to know if I'm doing what I need and should and even want to be doing right now. What is this big huge entanglement that is my life right now? There is so much going on in spite of my efforts to minimize and simplify, and sometimes I just wonder why? Why am I doing this? Is this energy I'm outputting getting me anywhere? I felt touched when I read these words by President Russell M. Nelson,
"Learn for yourselves who you really are. Ask your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ how He feels about you and your mission here on earth. If you ask with real intent, over time the Spirit will whisper the life-changing truths to you. Record those impressions, review them often, and follow through with exactness. I promise you that when you catch even a glimpse of how Heavenly Father sees you and what He is counting on you to do for Him, your life will never be the same!"
As soon as I read those words I got on my knees. "Heavenly Father, that is what I want. That is what I need right now." I want to know what Heavenly Father thinks of me, because I know that to the ever-changing yardstick of the world I won't ever be enough. Somewhere I will always fall short. He knows who I am, and he knows who I can become. I need His help to get me there, and I need Him to tell me if I'm traveling in the right direction.
Then last night I read my patriarchal blessing, and I remembered. Just like that the Spirit began to teach me about my mission on the earth. He reminded me that a primary reason I am here is to be a mother and have a family. He reminded me that even before I was married I would begin planning my family consistent with Heavenly Father's divine design for families. I am meant to be the nurturer of my family. That is my job right now. Right now I am doing what Heavenly Father is "counting on me to do for him". I remembered. Oh yes, I chose this. I chose this not just because it's what I wanted to do before I actually became a mother, I'm choosing this because it is what I was made to do. This is what I was designed for. And right now, I am in the trenches. Right in this brief period of life I am a mom, at home, in the grind. Day after day I make Nutella sandwiches, and nurse babies, I change diapers, and run baths, and drive to school and dance. And although it is draining and exhilarating and mundane all at the same time, I know it is where I am meant to be.
So feeling heavy and burdened and just tired of doing the grind I turned to my scriptures this morning to read the comforting passage in D&C 10:4, "Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means...but be diligent to the end" and then my eyes drifted to the other side of the page and happened to see the words, "Do this thing which I have commanded you, and you shall prosper. Be faithful, and yield to no temptation. Stand fast in the work wherewith I have called you, and a hair of your head shall not be lost, and you shall be lifted up at the last day." (D&C 9:13-14) I cried. Chills covered my body and my burden felt light. It was in every sense of the word a direct message from the Lord to me.
Those words, that were exactly where I didn't realize I was looking when I needed them were from the Lord to me. Today my job is to be a mother. He knows me. He is aware of me. He knows my talents and potential and the desires of my heart. He has called me to this work of motherhood and today and tomorrow I will stand fast here. I will do what he has commanded me, and I know he will prosper me. He already has, and I know he will continue to do so.
I have dreams of one day writing a book, and having a voice that reaches far and wide to share the inspiration I have been blessed to receive. I want to be heard, not just by my little children and husband. I want to use and develop the gifts I have been given, and I hope they will be far reaching. Today, however, family is my far-reaching audience, and I will be faithful to that calling. I will "do this thing" which has been commanded of me and trust that my Father in Heaven knows my life's work and will lead me along as I accomplish each part of it.
I know that each of us has a personal mission on the earth. We are all here to do good and there are so many ways to accomplish it. The Lord will teach us each individually what he wants us to do. I promise if you pray and ask, you can know how your Father in Heaven feels about you and He will open the way for you to accomplish what he wants you to do.
